With apologies to St. Nick...
* *
'Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the 'Ville,
The Jags were still thawing out,
From that Lambeau Field chill.
After beating the Pack,
They were a little less queasy.
But two games remained,
And they wouldn't be easy.
To get to the playoffs,
They would have to win both.
The first one against
An opponent they loathed.
Coach Jack sat impatient,
Watching videotape.
He had written to Santa,
But now the hour was late.
The clock ticking towards midnight,
But no bells, noise or clatter.
Jack sat there confused,
Wondering what was the matter.
He'd led his boys to eight wins,
And been nice all season.
Santa had to reward him,
For all that, he reasoned.
His defense was tough,
His QB impressive,
The special teams solid,
And the coaching? Effective.
I deserve two more wins,
Jack felt in his soul.
Unlike last year, remembering,
His three lumps of coal.
Meanwhile, high above,
Santa zoomed overhead.
He glanced down from his sleigh,
As his reindeer he led.
He raced past the river,
Which flows south to north.
Past the tarp-covered seats,
Where Coach Jack holds court.
Then he steered the sleigh down,
Landing right on Jack's roof.
He climbed down the chimney,
His suit covered with soot.
"Santa!" Jack cried.
"You're finally here!"
"I sure am," Santa said.
"With my trusty reindeer."
And with that Santa pulled
From his brand new Blackberry
His list of who's naughty,
Who's not, and who's very.
"Let's see," Santa said.
"You do have eight wins.
But I'll need some convincing,
So why don't you begin."
Nervous, Jack started
By reminding St. Nick
Of the last-second wins
And sly coaching tricks.
"We won at the Bills,
In dramatic fashion.
We won in Nashville,
With vigor and passion.
"We won on Indy's home turf,
The only team I must say.
And don't you forget
Our big win at Green Bay."
Santa pondered Jack's words,
And thought for awhile.
Checked over his notes,
Then started to smile.
"All that's true," Santa said.
"And fairly impressive,
But my notes are sporting
A far different message.
"I see 97 penalties,
Much more than should be,
And a kick return average
Near worst in the league.
"You lost to the Titans,
When they were playing for pride.
And you fell to the Steelers,
On a kick that sliced wide.
"And my notes do recall,
An earlier vision,
Of the new team you wanted
In your new division.
"The Texans, you figured
Would take years to thrive
But, wow, against you
They've won three of five."
Jack was biting his nails,
His nerves were all frayed.
"Santa, what can I do?
Please show me the way."
Santa sighed and said
"Son, I was going to dismiss
All these recent trangressions
That have been quite amiss.
"'Til I saw your strong safety,
And I had to think twice.
Even if it was legal
It was naughty, not nice."
And with that, Santa dropped
Some coal at Jack's feet,
Put his hand to his nose
And rose up to his fleet.
As Santa sped off
For the rest of his calls
Another coach had been listening
Just right down the hall.
He had already received,
Many gifts from the sleigh.
"Sorry, Jack," Dom exclaimed.
"Guess I'll see you Sunday."
